I can say that I have dealt with an ocean of emotions this past month. After the crash, I wanted to be tough and pretend like nothing happened. I jumped back on the saddle 3 days later despite the pain, because I wanted to avoid that fear of getting back on the bike and I was really in denial about the whole situation. Will Murray, CU Tri Team sports psychologist helped me a ton. He and I spoke almost every day on the phone during the early stages, and he really helped me get my perspective right. I think it is incredible the patience and time that Will gave me. The first two weeks of training, the pain was really overwhelming, but I continued to train. Surprisingly it was the worst when trying to kick in the pool, so I swam with only my arms for a few weeks; good news is my arms got stronger.
Coach George Heidinger has been incredible. My first day back he told me not to let any of this define me and my season; he reminded me that this is all a process and I need to be patient because I am still young in the sport. He told me he would take care of me, and this was comforting when I felt a bit alone since nobody could understand the pain. It really shows what an incredible coach he is. I feel the accident was kind of like a blessing in disguise because my swimming improved a ton since I decided to put all of my focus into that.
I bought myself a cool gel seat cushion for the bike to take the pressure off my tailbone, and despite me looking like a grandma, this really allowed me to keep up with my biking and get more hours in the saddle, which I think was important after a crash in order to become confident again on the bike. For the first few weeks, Coach Ken was nice enough to write me elliptical workouts to do so I could keep my run form. I think these workouts really made it easier for me to transition back to weight-bearing activity. It only took 2.5 weeks before I could run, which was a surprise since I was told it would take at least 5 weeks.
I think it wasn't the physical pain that hurt me the most, but it was the emotional pain. I think it is important to be open about one's feelings; bottling them up may seem like the right decision at the time, but in the end a person can only bottle it all up for so long. Once the physical pain had left after about 3 weeks, the emotional pain really hit me. This was my first crash and the whole experience was really scary for me. Thank God it was not worse than it was, but it was still traumatic for me.
I had trouble sleeping for the first few weeks, so mentally I was not really aware of everything that was happening; I was just going through the motions and my mind was racing. This is the worst feeling to have; I am sure most people have felt at some point that they don't have control of their life, that's how I felt. I realized that it was important to talk to someone, so I fell back on my parents, and they helped me a ton. I was told that everything I was experiencing was normal, and I would be back to my usual, happy self in a few weeks. They were right. "This too shall pass," my dad would always say. One of the main things to conquer for me was the fear I had developed with biking in a pack and holding speed on the downhills.
On Thursday, July 25th we had our usual long ride in Fountain with the team. It turned out I was the only girl there, so I didn't have anyone to work with really. It was really windy and the first main stretch on Squirrel Creek Road heads about 12 miles east in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't hang with the guys so I pedaled furiously on my own trying to keep them in sight. This ride was a great test of my mental fitness. I would get a bit startled when a big truck would pass me once in a while, since they would sort of make an air pocket and as they passed it would spit the wind out at me. I kept feeling like I was going to fall over because it was that windy, but I accepted the challenge (not only mentally but physically). The guys and Coach circled around and picked me up, and we made the right hand turn so finally we had a tailwind.We sped down Peyton Highway at 37 miles per hour and I was geared out. I was really nervous, and could feel the tension in my neck and back; I was holding on to the handlebars so tightly that I ripped the tape off of them.
Coach Ken kept telling me to relax and he really helped me get out of my comfort zone, by pushing me to stay close to my teammates on the bike. I accepted the challenge and realized that this was the start to me overcoming the fear I had developed; this was all a process. I pushed and pushed through the 2.5 hour ride, getting dropped and then Coach Ken would yell "get out of the saddle, catch up." This is how it was the whole time; get dropped, catch up, get dropped, catch up.
My legs were done, and mentally I was on the verge of cracking due to my state of fatigue, but I kept telling myself "legy eros, legy eros!" "be strong, be strong." It's amazing how one's inner voice can control the outcome in a situation. Although I knew I was going to have my first race back on the Sunday, I didn't hold back on this ride. I knew it was more important to conquer the fear I was having than to have a good race on Sunday, so I never backed down, effort above race pace for the majority of the ride. I was actually pretty proud of myself that I could hang with the guys for a bit, but my body took the punishment for sure! Near the end of the ride I started hallucinating, I was obviously spent, since my vision became a little blurry. On the last hill, I started to feel myself crying. It's one thing when you physically can't push your body any more, but for me I was mentally exhausted. I have not pushed myself to that extent on a ride before, and I seriously thought I was going to pass out when we arrived back at the car hence me sideswiping it since I was so dizzy and couldn't unclip. I didn't drink enough water during the ride since I was so focused on catching up to the guys, staying with them, and not tipping over in the wind! I felt overwhelmed after the ride, and held back my tears; it may have been more exhaustion than anything. I would not advise doing what I did to myself that day, but I think it was important to push myself past the limits I thought I had. I realized after that ride that I can overcome anything, I realized I was back on the horse.
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| Caroline and I photo credit: David Solsberg |
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| My mom and I photo credit to my dad David Solsberg |
I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to test myself, since I don't have much experience racing in the rain and I was fearful of slipping. It was good to have my CU Tri Team Coach, Mike Ricci, there at the race with my teammates because having them around made me relax. Mike gave me a pep talk before the race and reminded me that it's just a race like any other race, and that this race was an opportunity for me.
I really went out of my comfort zone and pushed myself for this race. Things went pretty well, and I took 2nd overall women behind my teammate Moose, which I was pleased with. This race was not about the results though. This race challenged me more mentally than most races have, and I feel I really conquered much of my fear. I remember finishing the bike and feeling a huge sense of relief; I wanted to celebrate in transition but I had to go run and give Moose a run for her money :)
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| PEAK Multisport photo credit: David Solsberg |
“Often it isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the little pebble in your shoe.” -Mohammed Ali
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| Happy to finish, happy to be back. Love you papa. photo credit: David Solsberg |
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